Those days are the worst. The days when gravity just grabs hold of me and even getting up to drink a glass of water seems like a Herculean task.
And the worst part isn’t that helplessness. The worst part is the fear that I might not be able to shake the feeling for – oh I don’t know – the next few years.
I count myself as lucky that my depression was caused by the circumstances that were piling up in my life. And that there was something concrete that I could do, once I’d recovered enough to have the strength to do it.
The last year has been pretty amazing. I remember lying on the sofa in my living room one day, reading a book and chuckling at it one day. Laughter by yourself is such an underrated luxury. It’s only when I thought it lost that I could appreciate it. But laugh I did.
Yesterday was not good. The sunk feeling is so recognisable still that I was afraid my brain was returning to the old pattern and I could do nothing about it. That those neural paths were stuck again, and I wasn’t sure if I had the strength to dig myself out this time.
Today is better. I can only guess why I felt like that again yesterday. Maybe it was as simple as leaving the island for the summer (the photo is my last cup of tea on the terrace on Sunday). Or maybe something else. But realising that I somehow don’t feel like that today makes me feel even stronger.
I was so totally not aware that there was a book lovers’ day before I checked the trending tag on Twitter this morning. I’ve been missing actual books lately, as I have had a few books that I’ve had to read on my tablet. The reason for this is that they won’t appear on my eReader, apparently for love nor money. I prefer the eReader which has no backlight and is much smaller than my tablet. Why not get the real book then? Whell, young grasshopper, it just was the cheaper option, which is what I’ve had to settle for recently.
My local library has been really good this past year. I’ve only been able to afford to buy a few books and I’ve had to be very selective on those. Mostly I’ve just sent a request for the library to get the book and if they didn’t, basically I’ve had to forget about it. Or, well, add it to the list of books that I’ll get when I have money again. The latest book to arrive from my library requests was Tad Williams’ The Witchwood Crown. It’s so nice to step into a familiar world but to be on the cusp of a totally new story. The book is huge, though. Like a regular Tad Brick. You could murder someone with that book. Or build a cairn. Or use it as a headstone. Every time I drop it on my face, I imagine my obituary. And then I think about my cousin’s wedding to which I’m going on Saturday and that I don’t want to turn up there with a black eye.
Reading can be a dangerous business. So look out, and Happy Book Lovers’ Day!
I’m staying at my uncle’s place for a few days in South Western Finland. I’m on an island, again, but there are landbridges to this one.
I’m looking after my aunt and uncle’s two dogs. One of the is old and sick. The other one is in his prime and we went for a run.
So the scenery isn’t too bad. There are fields and woods and huge rock formations and big houses, even a manor house.
I drank a cup of my night time tea and now I’m very drowsy and forgot what I was going to write…