Mine enemies

This will be a very personal post. Ye have been warned.

These two well known phrases with their literary and historical references look perfectly innocent.

Good advice, you think, to collect yourself and find a balance and then all will be well.

Well, it has occured to me, that this is not the case with me. Honestly, having looked for a centre and something to hold me together for most of my life, it seems fairly terrible to realise that maybe the answer isn’t the same to everyone.

I am not Mrs Bennet and “love a good panic” but I realise that I stagnate if my life isn’t somewhat off-kilter to one direction or other. It feels like trying to find something in an empty room, trying to find balance in a calm.

I get that these posters actually reflect pretty much the thing I am after. Both are from contexts where there’s something around you trying to tug you into the four winds. However, actual plotless life isn’t so much of a story as a lay-person might think.

I have been struggling with anxiety now for several years. which has sent me on this quest of minimalising triggers around me, thinking that maybe when I find the balance, when it’s calm and quiet and my pulse is steady,  I will be able to move on, find something further. But the truth is, if you empty a room and close the shutters, you are hardly going to find something further in that void.

Today is my birthday. I am now 32. Only a year till my coming-of-age (in Hobbit terms). I hope this year is one that this year leans to the sides, shudders and squeaks and might even fall down. I hope this year isn’t as calm as the last few.

Love,

Maiju

*This is a part of my writings about signs and often seen symbols, most of which is still in my head and the part that isn’t is on paper and in Finnish*

**This writing is inspired by and dedicated to the writer I can’t see this summer, Neil Gaiman. I find inspiration between his words.**

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