One of those days

It feels like today is one of those days when it’s better to avoid stepping on the cracks in the sidewalk. Even though my mind is so exhausted that I can’t remember why I shouldn’t step on cracks in the sidewalk.

Have a better day.




Mine enemies

This will be a very personal post. Ye have been warned.

These two well known phrases with their literary and historical references look perfectly innocent.

Good advice, you think, to collect yourself and find a balance and then all will be well.

Well, it has occured to me, that this is not the case with me. Honestly, having looked for a centre and something to hold me together for most of my life, it seems fairly terrible to realise that maybe the answer isn’t the same to everyone.

I am not Mrs Bennet and “love a good panic” but I realise that I stagnate if my life isn’t somewhat off-kilter to one direction or other. It feels like trying to find something in an empty room, trying to find balance in a calm.

I get that these posters actually reflect pretty much the thing I am after. Both are from contexts where there’s something around you trying to tug you into the four winds. However, actual plotless life isn’t so much of a story as a lay-person might think.

I have been struggling with anxiety now for several years. which has sent me on this quest of minimalising triggers around me, thinking that maybe when I find the balance, when it’s calm and quiet and my pulse is steady,  I will be able to move on, find something further. But the truth is, if you empty a room and close the shutters, you are hardly going to find something further in that void.

Today is my birthday. I am now 32. Only a year till my coming-of-age (in Hobbit terms). I hope this year is one that this year leans to the sides, shudders and squeaks and might even fall down. I hope this year isn’t as calm as the last few.



*This is a part of my writings about signs and often seen symbols, most of which is still in my head and the part that isn’t is on paper and in Finnish*

**This writing is inspired by and dedicated to the writer I can’t see this summer, Neil Gaiman. I find inspiration between his words.**